Old Prayers Die Hard

My religious upbringing was such a part of me for so many years that, even now, it is hard for me to separate it from my day to day life. I haven't believed in God in almost twelve years now, and I've been comfortable with not believing for the last seven of those years. But there are times that I still find myself talking to God, saying prayers, even though it's not in the way I used to when my Christian faith was strong. It still feels good, though, to unleash that positive energy out into the world or to release the negative energy from my own mind. My current spiritual beliefs (or lack of) lie somewhere among atheism, agnosticism, Buddhism, and Jesus-lover. I say the last not in jest because while I'm not sure I buy into the whole "Jesus was the son of God sent to die for all sinners," I do like a lot of his teachings, whether they're actually from one man or simply musings put together by a few authors of the New Testament. I could never go back to Christianity mainly because I hate the underlying theme of "you will never be good enough, but maybe you can get by if you follow these rules." I don't care for the way many modern Christians interpret the Bible so literally with no thought into cultural considerations of the time it was written. Also, the picking and choosing of causes really rubs me the wrong way. Why fight so hard against abortion when so many already-born children are suffering due to poverty, disease, and violence? Why fight so hard against homosexuality while ignoring the other outlined "abominations" in scripture? Why spend so much time focusing on negative issues when there's so much good left to be done in the world? I'm not saying that's the way all Christians are, but that is the overall image I have of the modern Christian church given my own experiences.

But this blog entry wasn't meant to be about religion. It's about prayer. I'm a novice Buddhist who has attempted meditation, though I'm not very good at it. And even though I'm not good at it, I will continue to practice because it gives me peace and because I think it's good for my mind. However, when something hits me hard, I find myself doing what I call praying, though it's really just more like a conversation with an invisible entity, who often changes. Sometimes I talk to God, whoever s/he is, sometimes I talk to my best friend Steve, and sometimes I talk to saints, even though I don't fully understand everything about who they are either. I can't tell you if there's anyone or anything out there listening, but I know it makes me feel better to do it.

So today, here's a prayer that I'm sending out to anyone who reads it and out into the universe. Just to clarify things, this is not about me nor is it about anyone any of you know. It is personal, so please don't ask me details. I just need to say it...

Today, I pray for you. A being whom I will never know, never hold, and never kiss. Whether or not you had a soul is beyond my understanding, for I am merely human. But to me, you were real because you were wanted and you were loved before you were even known. May your light fly into the cosmos and dissipate among the stars so that when we look into the night sky you can wink at us, the loved ones who never knew you. May part of you always be inside those who created you, a spot of warmth within their hearts to replace the emptiness. May your journey from here on out be one of learning and love, as your brief stop here was. I mourn you because I loved you, and love is the most important of all emotions--more than sadness, more than loss. Take our love with you and carry it with you, wherever your travels lead you. May whatever happens next be filled with as much joy, love, and hope, as your life here would have been. Right now, my eyes shed tears for you. My heart aches for you. But my dreams of you will live on forever.