I hate spammers...

I pretty much delete my blog, all except like 5 entries that seem to attract spammers like crazy. So I'm hoping if I post this, most of the spam comments will start going to this entry rather than the entries that actually matter.

P.S. I hope all the jerks who leave all the spam comments get chronic explosive diarrhea. :-)

My Youngest Brother

::Disclaimer:: I have never before written about this event that has so touched my life. Please forgive me if I sound dramatic or disorganized.

Most of us go through our days, never really experiencing anything truly spectacular. We live pretty normal lives that contain the occasional struggles and obstacles, but so few of us ever have to experience the very real threat of our own mortality and then live to tell the tale.

My youngest brother is not one of those people. Those of you who knew me two years ago know that my family was rocked by the tragedy of my youngest brother being burned in a horrific grass fire that took the life of his partner. I've never been more afraid, and I've never cried as hard as I did when I saw his face and arms bandaged, covering the burns he'd received during that blaze. Of course, being the character he is, he still managed to ask me if I wanted to see the ones that covered the burns on his butt.

It was a tragic few weeks. In the days after the fire, his partner fought for his life in a hospital while my brother went home to his family. Though bandaged and in pain, the emotions he endured were probably much worse than any physical sensation he felt. After his partner died, he wondered--I think we all may have wondered--why was he alive? It wasn't fair. They both had children and wives and families who loved them. Why was one taken and the other spared? Some chalked it up to God's will and some believed it was the irrational forces of the universe. Whatever the reason, my little brother survived and would have to live with that question for the rest of his life.

Now, he'll probably never read this, so I can say what I want, but Larry Joe is the most sensitive, selfless, loving person I've ever known. He was the baby of our family, and I often felt a fierce protectiveness over him. I would try to beat up my middle brother if he made my little brother cry. I watched over him like a mother when our own mom worked late nights and early mornings to support our little family. The day came that he decided to move in with my dad and my middle brother (Who could blame him--living in a house with two women versus growing up with his brother and father?), and I felt like something was missing from that point on. I worried about him constantly. Was he okay? Was he being picked on? How were his grades? Was he happy? I never worried about my middle brother because, to me, he was the strong one. But Larry Joe needed protection and special care.

Sitting here almost twenty years in the future, I see the irony of it all. The person who will forever be a beautiful little 9 year old in my eyes is now a grown man who has garnered the respect of a community, if not an entire state, for the second time in his early adulthood. The silly little boy with a tousled blond mop of hair is now the one who does the protecting and saving.

This past fall, I had a little meltdown, and all my fears and sadness about his near-death experience erupted. As it is becoming a habit of his, he swooped in and helped me deal with it all. I held his hands that are scarred by that day in March of 2006 and begged him to never leave me. Because he is who he is, I think it bothered him more listening to his big sister fall apart than it bothered me letting all those emotions out. I find myself going to him more and more for help and advice rather than the opposite. In some ways, the roles have been reversed, and now, he is a rock for me.

Knowing my youngest brother, I'm sure he doesn't like being called a hero. He is a volunteer fireman, an EMT, and an employee for the sheriff's department because he loves being there for people. If there is a possibility he can lend a hand, he is there. And every time I see him, I can't help but to look at that hand--scarred, smooth, discolored--that serves as a badge of a hero.

100 Things, Part IV

Here's the final installment of my 100 Things...

1. My best friend who I met in 1^st grade died at the age of 27. I still miss him everyday, but I think I understand why he left this world when he did.

2. I believe that dreaming is a gateway that allows us to communicate with people we can’t physically speak to at the time.

3. I can watch a rodeo and predict the scores of a saddle bronc ride within a couple of points.

4. I wish I could believe in God.

5. I do believe in the power of the moob.

6. I think my husband and I are perfect for one another because no one else would have either of us.

7. Mr. D is my best friend and the sexiest, funniest, awesomest guy I know.

8. I almost didn’t go out with him because he reminded me too much of my middle brother.

9. I think of my cousin as my sister because the older we get, the closer we are, and I don’t think “cousins” describes our bond.

10. I almost lost my youngest brother two years ago, and it was the most frightening experience of my life.

11. Speaking of the youngest, I can’t watch Larry the Cable Guy without thinking of him.

12. I’d be a great stand-up comedian if someone else would write my material.

13. I’ve never been afraid of speaking in public, even if there were 100,000 eyes on me. One-on-one conversations are much more stressful.

14. If I had one wish, I’d probably give it to someone who needed it more than I did.

15. I like NASCAR and #99 Carl Edwards.

16. I’ve never eaten fondue.

17. After giving birth, I had a whole new respect for nurses.

18. I predict I’ll die in bizarre circumstances.

19. My favorite color is blue, or purple, or blurple.

20. I hate wearing jewelry—especially big jewelry—and traded my engagement ring with a gazillion diamonds for a simple silver band.

21. 90% of my clothes are from Old Navy.

22. If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life, it would be pizza.

23. Joaquin Phoenix is my sworn nemesis.

24. Someday I’ll meet Brian Posehn and recreate this picture.

25. This list took me 2 days to compile, and I considered re-arranging it and editing it, but the newfound free spirit in me punched the grammar nerd in the throat, so I left it as is. (I’m a damn liar, because I did end up going back through and editing it after I wrote this.)

100 Things, Part III

1. I’d torture spammers and hackers by making them sit in a darkened room and watch games of Pong for hours on end.

2. I’ve always wanted to make out with a guy who has long hair. Oh wait, I just remembered, I have done that... many moons ago...

3. I dream about my high school boyfriend far too often.

4. The women at my last job inspired me more than anyone I’ve ever worked with because they showed me that it is possible to be professional, strong, compassionate all at the same time.

5. I cannot remember dates (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.), and if you receive acknowledgment of your special day from me, it’s only because of Google Calendar.

6. I have six e-mail accounts, five active blogs, two networking profiles, and one super-secret forum, so I’d probably die if I couldn’t be online.

7. I can’t remember life and socialization before the Internet.

8. I consider my online friends “real” friends, especially my super-secret forum friends.

9. All that being said, I’m so glad the Internet wasn’t around (except for the extreme geeky) when I was in high school.

10. My thoughts are so sporadic, it’s not unusual for me to lose people in conversation.

11. I like Hot Pockets.

12. My short-term memory is getting worse, and it bothers me.

13. I listen to Coast to Coast AM everyday via podcast, and I tend believe much of what I hear on there.

14. I had a crush on Richie Rich (yes, the cartoon) when I was 5 and even wrote a song about it.

15. I like gross meats made various animal byproducts. And after they’re done and they scrape the bottom of the vat to make potted meat, I like that too.

16. I’ll pretty much try any kind of food placed in front of me as long as it’s cooked well-done.

17. I have no preference between OU and OSU, but Stillwater seems more like my kind of town.

18. I have a secret wish for my daughter to go to school at Cornell.

19. I’m the most indecisive person I know and even little decisions freak me out, especially if there’s a time limit to making them.

20. I believe I could have been more intelligent if I’d had more opportunities growing up.

21. Basketball is my favorite sport to watch in person.

22. I was a cheerleader, though not a very good one, but I loved every minute of it.

23. My eyes change color, and when I cry, they’re the most brilliant aquamarine that I wish were my permanent eye color.

24. I didn’t understand the true joy of having girlfriends until I was 26.

25. In high school, I really wanted to be a football homecoming candidate but pretended I didn’t care when I didn’t get it.

100 Things, Part II

And it continues... (It re-started the numbering at 1 because I pasted it from Word)

1. My cat Kiki is rapidly becoming my favorite pet. Though she’s a skittish bitch who hates everyone else, in the last few weeks she’s fallen in love with me and won’t leave my side.

2. I wish I could go back to college and get a degree in Chemistry.

3. I’d change my first and middle names in a heartbeat if I could… Seriously…

4. I can’t stand long toenails and always keep mine trimmed extremely short.

5. The only time I regret eloping is when I see people’s beautiful wedding photos.

6. I hate romantic, sappy, feel-good books and movies.

7. I’m not easy to surprise because I’m very intuitive and usually pick up on things before people have the chance to implement their plans.

8. I’m not attracted to pretty-boy model types (though I can appreciate their lickableness) and would rather have a nerdy funny guy any day!

9. I believe in a form of reincarnation, but I think it’s completely random.

10. I have a thing for hairy chests, and body hair overall doesn’t really bother me.

11. Baldness doesn’t matter to me either, and it never has (I’m not just saying it because I’m married to Mr. D! haha).

12. I’m addicted to Air America, and it’s the only reason I went with XM over Sirius, though I loves me some Hair Nation.

13. I have NEVER felt the urge to have another child… never… not once…

14. Little D is the greatest source of joy in my life.

15. Having said that, there are days I want to ship her to NY for her Grammy to raise!

16. I think my love for my brothers is much stronger than most people’s love for their siblings, and they know why.

17. As I grow older, I see that I’m nothing like my mom, and I think she wanted that.

18. Luckily, she did give me her strength, but she also gave me her damn stubbornness.

19. I’d give anything to have a dad, and I often wonder what it would be like if I did have one who was involved in my life.

20. I’m a die-hard bleeding-heart liberal Democrat, but I have a few values that most would consider conservative.

21. I’ve voted in every election since I was 18.

22. Gary Allan makes me melt.

23. I’m addicted to Starbucks, and I hate that I love it so much. I only allow myself 2-3 trips a week or we’d go broke from my habit.

24. I still wear Doc Marten-esque boots circa 1994 and I will probably never give them up.

25. I feel safe with very long hair, much like Sampson, and only cut it when I’m feeling vulnerable.

100 Things, Part I

In keeping up with the blogging fiend Chuck and the fantabulous Liz, I've accumulated a 100 Things... list, mine also being focused on... ME! This is a huge step for me to put so much personal information out in a public blog, but here you go. I've decided to break the 100 into smaller sets because no one really wants to read 100 things all at once AND it gives me four days worth of blog material without having to think too hard! I now present you with the first installment of "100 Things about ME!"

1. I sing “Ain’t to Proud to Beg” by The Temptations, “What You Give” by Tesla, and “Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas” out loud, very loudly, every time I hear those songs, no matter where I am or what I’m doing.

2. I wish I could speak Spanish, Russian, and American Sign Language fluently.

3. I scored in the high-90’s on the grammar section of my teacher certification exams, but I hardly ever use correct grammar in blogs or e-mails.

4. I have an idea for a non-fiction book that only one other person knows about and I fully intend to start the project when Little D starts school.

5. I have a big secret that no one in my life knows. It affects me everyday, but I don’t think I’ll ever share it.

6. I have another secret that only a select few people know that is my greatest embarrassment and it pains me when it’s brought up, though those mentioning it may not realize it.

7. My feelings are easily and often hurt, but rarely do I show it. I try to believe certain comments aren’t seriously meant, but they feel like a knife in my heart.

8. In spite of my shortness, I think I would’ve been good at volleyball if it had been offered as a competitive sport at my school.

9. Since studying Buddhism, I feel like I’m a better person.

10. I don’t worry about losing my “stuff” anymore, and I think I’d be perfectly fine if a tornado took it all away as long as my family was fine.

11. I sometimes feel guilty for not struggling. I grew up poor, and the guilt I have for being comfortable bothers me all the time.

12. My dog Sarah was named after my cat Sarah (from college) who was named after Sarah McLachlan.

13. I was voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in my senior class, but rarely do I feel I’ve lived up to the label.

14. I’ve never had surgery of any kind and fear that one day I’ll need one.

15. My favorite day is Thursday because it’s the “almost the weekend” day.

16. Oklahoma will ALWAYS be home to me, no matter where I live.

17. People who speak badly about OK without ever having been there piss me off because it’s not really different from any other place not on a coast!

18. I wanted to move to Alaska after I got my degree, but once again, I let a lack of self-confidence and a man get in the way.

19. My goal is to one day take my best girlfriends camping and “rough it” (not as pervy as it sounds)!

20. I don’t think I’ve found what I’m meant to do in this world yet.

21. In the past couple of years, I’ve come to understand that my degrees don’t really mean that much because I know too many people who are much smarter than I who don’t have the pieces of paper.

22. I was on the B-list of popularity when I was in high school, but I always felt like the class genius, so I didn’t care.

23. Getting my nose pierced was one of my most favorite things I’ve ever done for myself.

24. I can’t wait to be a grandma, and I know I’ll be called “Granny” in honor of my own Granny.

25. I don't fear growing old because with age comes wisdom. I'm happier at 31 than I was at 21, and I'm guessing that my 60's are going to rock.